Growth sucks

a rant/vent

I know, I know, it doesn’t, but in the moment it always feels like it does.

Over the last 6-7 months, since my cancer scare, and since joining klydo, I have found myself more often than not trying to do things that feel uncomfortable and so I have been growing at a pace greater than any I have experienced before. One of the telltale signs of growth I find is the feeling that time slows down. Maybe because you are doing a lot, filling the days up so the mind resets.

Maybe thats why start of a new year feels like it is moving slow because most people try to do things differently, in a new way but as time passes, things slow down and so it feels like the time is now passing by faster, and “when did december arrive” happens.

But back to growth, I feel like the reason it sucks is that growth makes me come face to face with all the areas where I was bad/weak whatever.

So why this topic today? well, while trying to write today’s post, I went through 4 different ideas and realised, well, that I am not able to communicate the way I want to, and I know there is a better way, but I am not yet good enough to know how to get there fully, but also no longer bad enough to give up and just write.

Maybe I can blame Kahran for being a good friend and giving me helpful feedback about how to improve my writing. Or maybe I could blame Sam for taking workshops on writing where I learnt more about the craft of writing. The biggest blame though lies with myself. Why do I have the desire to get better? It’s not like “better” writing will result in more people reading what I have to say. Maybe it results in some people understanding what I am saying just a tad bit better but does that ultimately matter? Why would I not just accept the status quo?

I know it sounds like I am saying all of this ironically, and maybe I am just trying hard to build towards a moral of the story. Trust me I am not. I genuinely am annoyed and mildly puzzled by why I like to grow in things. Especially when it just categorically makes life harder.

I could just be happy with where I am.

I’ve also been thinking about contentment and how my therapist said that this moving and growing at breakneck speed is actually what contentment and peace feels like to me. Can you believe it? That literally for me peace lies in running fast. Why? There are these parts of my self that I always feel a little bit in conflict with.

For example right this moment, I know there is something I want to say, but my writing skill is not good enough, so my mind wants to get better, but another part is also saying why do we need to. It is okay to not be able to accurately share the inner turmoil and conflict. Maybe others feel it too, and maybe they don’t. It doesnt materially change my experience of life one way or the other. So why do I care so much about being able to communicate.

I think creativity is the culprit. It is the thing that makes me want to do more.

But it also the thing that to me feels like it makes life worth living.

Is this what addictions feel like?

Back to the topic, why is getting better at things, which leads to me working harder, which is tougher makes life feel better? Wouldn’t comfort and relaxation feel nicer?

I have never really understood the idea of retirement. I don’t know why people want to do it. Maybe thats also revealing, because maybe something inside me does not want to be comfortable. Or am I too comfortable identifying with discomfort that I just want to keep myself in that lane and not let myself go with the flow ever.